Public Service Announcements (Lighter)

Dear Everyone,

For the betterment of our mutual "getting-on," I am obliged to make the following Public Service Announcements:

001: In the absence of working traffic lights, the law states that everyone should proceed as if it were a four-way stop. This means alternating turns. It's really quite safe and efficient this way. If you aren't afraid of car accidents, you should listen to "Last Kiss" as performed by Pearl Jam-- or possibly whichever band originally wrote it.

002: It is, without any doubt, pronounced new-clee-ar. Even if you're a Republican, there's no excuse. And shame on you people for actively training that poor Palin lady to say it incorrectly just for the sake of "folk-appeal." She's still in a downward spiral.

003: It is not obligatory to transform every "fun" element from our collective pop culture into a feature film. Sometimes, this is downright inadvisable. If you are going to base a movie on an animated television series which was in turn based on an action figure, you might be headed down the wrong track.

004: It is universally recognized that CAPITAL LETTERS IMPLY A RAISED VOICE (i.e. YELLING). Some people are squeamish, and this might startle them. My apologies for any "accidents" I've inadvertently caused.

005: The government recommends that the following be on hand in case of an emergency: three gallons of water per person in the household, an AM/FM radio with extra batteries, and at least one flashlight (with batteries) per person. The government has not yet approved its recommended household survival plan in case of a zombie invasion. Congress, are you reading this?

006: The following test will help you determine if your iPod's volume is up too high: 1) Listen to the iPod at the volume you (probably in error) find appropriate; 2) Pull the "earbuds" from your ears and hold them about three inches away; 3) Ascertain whether you can still hear the music; 4) If you can, reduce the volume and begin a step 1; 5) Repeat until it clear that you, and you alone can hear the music.

007: If you didn't like Quantum of Solace nearly as much as Casino Royale, I suggest approaching with a different set of expectations. This is what I call "The Zen Approach to James Bond." See, usually, we amp up our heart rate and overall nervous system for action movies. Instead, try dimming the lights and lighting some scented candles. Relax as much as possible before viewing. Do guided meditation or deep breathing (in through your nose, out silently through your mouth), if you're into that sort of thing. Contemplate some traditional koanic expressions ("If a tree falls...") for a little while. When you find that everything slows down and crystalizes around you, you're probably ready. Watching this movie in such a trance-like state might show it to be quite profound--it may even provide you with your own quantum of solace.

008: Mr. Lewis will readily argue against the following misguided statements:
-"Those who can't do...." Sorry, can't actually bring myself to finish this one.
-"A pun is the lowest form of humor." Just bad puns, actually.
-"There is no knowledge that is not power." I saw this on a Mortal Kombat arcade game. What about those pieces of knowledge that wound us beyond repair? Oddly enough, more knowledge is the often the best remedy, but, as it stands, sometimes knowledge can be kind of crippling. Doesn't mean it's not the best policy.

009: This one is useful to any city planners out there: A street sign at every real intersection is pretty ideal. Also, they should be visible from the road well before the car has passed the intersection. If they point outward, away from the intersection itself, odds are they will be harder to see. Especially if there are trees, lamp posts, or telephone poles. DO YOU HEAR ME, BALTIMORE? (Yelling intentional--couldn't contain my feelings.)

010: If you like my blog, you should let me know. I'm a sucker for positive reinforcement. If you don't like it, you should send me humorous hate mail.